:smacks forehead: When did I become a six-year-old girl? I hate you? Did I really say that?
I’m not the type of person who just throws around hate nonchalantly. I’ve made it a point to not use the word at all in my daily vocabulary–I prefer strongly dislike. Hate is such a strong word, and it cuts deep. However, the other night, I said it. And who was the unlucky one to receive my hatred? My fiance. I have never told him that I hated him, until that moment. I believe I even through a fucking in there to make it that much more powerful. I don’t even know what brought the word on. I just know that I was angry, but whatever it was, he definitely did not deserve to have that word thrown in his face.
He didn’t even bring it up until the next day; I tried to pretend like it didn’t happen. As if maybe I had imagined it up. But it did happen. I said it, and it’s stuck in my head. I know it hurt him, though he didn’t really say so. I can see it, though, and I feel as if I cut a big hole out of my heart. I apologized the next day, saying that I didn’t really mean it. What I meant to say was, Sometimes I want to hate you. Ek. Right. I was only digging my hole deeper. He shrugged it off, though. Well, I think he did. He hasn’t brought it up, but I know it’s stuck in the back of his mind, too.
If anyone knows of any way that I can rewind time, let me know.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
wonderfully written. i’m in a hate/dislike kind of moment for someone right now. i loved the way that was your focus and you didn’t need more background or details. it worked just the way you did it. i wish i knew of a way to rewind time or even more importantly (when it’s a really painful time) how to fast forward it a little.
<3 lissa (aka turtlefly)
I’ve been with my husband 16 years now. One of the hardest things is learning to navigate vocabulary, learning to express yourself with words that don’t demean your partner, nor your own feelings. It’s fucking hard.
I hate it when things slip out when you don’t expect them to. Argh. It happens, it’ll happen again, it’s just whether you hold on to them or let them pass that makes all the difference.
Hugs to you!
I’m sorry…..