I often feel as if I have it all figured out. Of course, then something hits me right in the face, making me realize that I have yet to do so. This time it was a single thought: death. Autumn is a time of death, of dying. Leaves are dying, life is dying all around us. But it’s so beautiful. Then winter comes and snow (in most states) to make everything fresh and new. And life goes on. Well, the life that is still living.
I used to be terrified of death. I tried not to think about it often because, when I did, I could not stop myself from crying. As I got older, it wasn’t that I became less terrified of the inevitable; I just grew used to the fact that it would come regardless of my tears or not. And so it doesn’t make me cry as often. Still, though, the thought of death sneaks up in my mind, and I remember that it could happen at any single second, and that’s really the scary part. I assume I will welcome death with semi-open arms when I’m old–by then, I will have hopefully lived my life to the fullest with very few regrets. However, knowing that it could happen any time before that? Scares me to death.
Could this be why people, including myself, try to live their life out quickly? That way, if It does come early, they will have achieved everything they wanted. I know that once I die, I won’t even care–especially if there is a such thing as Heaven because then, I’ll be happier where I’m at. But the time until then? I care. I think about my future children, knowing that I will probably–hopefully–die before them. And they will go on, without me. That’s the part that scares me. And Josh. And my family–those I have spent my entire life with–will die before and after me. I hate thinking about it, but it’s a fact of life.
Will death be painful? Or will it be like slipping into a beautiful, peaceful slumber: under warm-cool sheets with only positive thoughts? Or will it feel like nothing at all? Is death a small piece of life? Or is the biggest piece of the puzzle? These questions will only be answered when the time comes–and even then, the living will never know.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I know what you’re saying. I’m not exactly scared of death, it’s more that it makes me sad. The thought of not existing, on missing out on whatever is happening in the lives of my family and friends. So it scares me, but not in a frightened way… in a tearful way. In a lonely way, if that makes any sense.
Yeah, I hope that I can take a break too. It’s sort of hard right now, I feel just so helpless and emotional all the time. I found an add for a job with a local school district that would pay between $16 and $19 an hour which wouldn’t be horrible. It is a longer drive than my normal commute but I think I could deal with that. I just keep looking for something else.
“Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we’ll die.” – David J Matthews
Live your life today, there might not be a tomorrow. or an afterlife. no one’s ever so sure.
jt