October 9, 2006 — age seventeen
(part of a look at the past)
i’m not sure when it hit me–the realization that my life is not what i want it to be. i’m not at all who i want to be. where did i lose myself? my heart aches incredibly. each day passes, and i’m continuously lost, sleeping my life away; i’m constantly dreaming rather than living.as i sit here, i feel apathetic, although i am crying, unable to stop the tears from rolling down my face. where did my love for God go? where did my heart go? sometimes i wonder if i ever received it back. maybe that is why i’m unable to fully give myself to another.
i watch myself daily, as if i’m another being viewing my life from afar. i’m trying to reach out, but i’m just too far away. why won’t anyone save me? who will i allow to save me? i can’t do this on my own, and i’ve pushed God so far away from my entire self. i know he’s there, but i’m fearful.
i’m constantly wishing for wings so that i can fly far away, like echo in that book that i love so much. flying away to my angel, to my life. as i think about it, i realize that i’m unsure of where that is. where would i go? who do i run to?
i’m angry with myself. angry for not being who i wanted to be so long ago. angry that i’ve lost all sense of passion in my life.
and loving you, as i have for so long. i only wish it were…
it really did fall apart.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Do you feel differently now? That’s just how I felt at the beginning of this year and I felt that all hope was lost for me and my future. Dramatic, I know, but it doesn’t seem any less than the honest truth in the moment. I hope you’re happier now…one can only take so much of feeling like that without going insane.
Definitely. It has been two years since that post, and I feel as if life has completely turned around. I still struggle with knowing who I am, exactly… But I have a much better idea these days.
Hmmm… you just seem… so beyond your years.
Honestly, I think that all has to do with the situation with my Granny–I was only a sophomore in high school when we moved back to Florida. I basically had to watch her come closer to death, and she was my best friend. Going through that definitely made me grow up.
And those last two lines?
“and loving you, as i have for so long. i only wish it were…
it really did fall apart.”
Just so everyone knows: it was about Josh. It was during a time of struggle for us–one of our back-and-forth moments.