Every person has a different grieving process; I am one of those people. Here I am, fighting off tears that are inevitable, trying to be less of an emotional wreck than I am.

It’s been over four years since Granny passed away and nearly that long since Pawpaw. I would not exist without them, yet here I am, existing without them. I can’t say it gets easier every year. It’s one of those things that are kept filed away in the back of your mind and only brought up on special occasions. It’s like a stab in the heart–and really, anywhere else that can produce hurt–especially around this time.

Thanksgiving was once my favorite holiday. I still tell people that it is, but that’s a lie. The thing is: that “happy” smile I put on my face during the holidays? That’s a lie, too. The truth is, I don’t have a favorite holiday anymore. How can any holiday be a favorite when you’re just missing the whole time? Thanksgiving was once the most meaningful. I’d get together with Granny, and we’d make stuffing or dressing or whatever you like to call it. We’d make a huge thing of it. I was most happy then. Even though Thanksgiving is a time of stress, Granny made it seem alright. She gave it purpose. When she was gone, that first Thanksgiving felt empty. I stopped making the stuffing/dressing. I tried one year, but it just wasn’t right. It will never be right because, you see, it’s not a specific edible ingredient that is missing. It’s the fact that I could make it with her, my granny.

Now, I put on my “happy” face and try to love Thanksgiving as much as I used to. Before, it wasn’t so bad. My family understood why I cried while I ate my turkey or why I wouldn’t make the stuffing/dressing. This year is different. I’m married. My family is in Florida, and I am here with people who might not quite get it. I can’t cry. I can’t stay hidden in my room until the last possible second–which is what I’d like to do. I have to put on my “happy” face and mean it, otherwise someone might see through it.

Honestly, what I’d like to do is crawl into a hole and sleep until the holidays are over. That way, I won’t have to think about what I miss.