I’ve added quite a few photos to my photoblog. Take a look, if you’d like.
(the image above is from a photoshoot I did with my sister a couple years ago)
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From the monthly archives:
December 2008
February 20, 2007 — age eighteen
(a part of a look at the past)
my mouth was against your neck, breathing. our hearts were beating in rhythm; talking to each other, you said. i could feel your warm breath in my hair, your beautiful hands on my back, while mine were on your chest. i kept my feet warm beneath yours, and i felt like no matter how close i got, it wasn’t close enough. i kept trying to get closer, and you held me tight, keeping me warm and safe.
you looked down at me at one point and told me i was “so pretty” and it made me blush and hide my face. i love the way you make me feel. we’re so young and in love; it’s wonderful.
and you bought lasagna for us to cook together because you remembered it’s what i’ve been craving. and we’re going to wash clothes together and lay in bed, holding each other close.
when you asked if we were engaged, i couldn’t help but smile. “not until you put a ring on this finger!” i said, holding up my left hand. you crawled back into bed and held my hand and said, “but what if i get a permanent marker, just for now, and as i draw a ring on your finger, say, ‘megan, will you marry me?’” I giggled.
i love that you have your own place now. you said i could decorate your room with whatever i wanted, since you hope i’ll be over often. that made me smile.
oh, it is love.
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As the past few days have gone by, I’ve realized something–I have repressed many of the memories I have of my life during my freshman year of high school. I found an old diary of mine, and I found myself reading entries and thinking am I sure this was me? I remembered a lot of it, but some things were missing–not just faded, but completely missing from my memory. I find that to be scary, in a way.
I know exactly why the thoughts have faded from my mind, though. I came back to Tennessee during February of my sophomore year, and the memories after that seem pretty clear to me. However, before that, I’m at a loss. I don’t even think of that year much anymore. Well, I do, but the details are missing.
My granny died in August of my sophomore year. She was diagnosed with cancer in May of my freshman year. After the diagnosis, I was in a complete daze, I now realize. I moved along in life without really feeling anything, and that is why I look back and my writing is so completely fake, yet apathetic. I moved to Florida that summer after my freshman year, and I was so completely sad–as well as selfish–that I didn’t let myself love Granny the way I should have while she was sick. I was always complaining about wanting to go home, back to Tennessee. I wanted to go back to my boyfriend at the time (Ryan) and to my friends.
I remember writing, when I did come back, about feeling completely different, changed. I didn’t know exactly when that change took place, and I still don’t know the exact moment. However, it must have been when I was in that daze, when I could feel nothing. My life changed, I changed. Everyone else was still the same, but I changed. So, when I came back and I didn’t want to be with Ryan anymore and all of my friends left me, I thought my world had ended. In reality, it was only beginning. I was growing up.
I still don’t remember details from before Granny was diagnosed. That summer after the diagnosis is hazy, and I can almost remember everything clearly after I came back to Tennessee. I realize something, though. I realize that the thoughts before Granny died, I’ve repressed. Everything after, I remember. That’s no way for me to live. So, I’m trying to remember all of the happy times before Granny was sick. I’m trying to remember helping her cook and going in to her kitchen, hearing her sing. I’m trying to remember that time she baked a cake for me on my birthday–so long ago–and surprised me with it along with a handmade photo album. I’m trying to remember her laugh and her smile and her hugs. I’m trying to remember it all. In doing so, I’ll finally be able to come to the realization that she’s gone, and I’ll finally be able to forgive myself for being so selfish when she was here.
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I sort of stole this idea from Girl Jordyn. I’m going to put my iTunes on shuffle; then I’ll list the first ten songs that play, and I’ll elaborate some. This is just to give my readers insight on what I listen to, plus it may help you find new music that you like. I encourage you to do the same.
1. Be Be Your Love by Rachael Yamagata. From her Happenstance album, the lyrics are catchy, and Rachael’s voice is as smokey as they come. A beautiful piano melody plays in the background. Definitely worth the listen.
2. Supermassive Black Hole by Muse (from the Twilight soundtrack). Okay, at first , I didn’t think I liked this song. At all. It was just completely different than what I was used to listening to. However, after several attempts, I began enjoying the fun lyrics and dance-sounding music.
3. Head Over Feet by Alanis Morissette. I love Alanis. Her voice is just… unique and beautiful. I have all of her CDs, and this is one of my favorite songs (though she has many greats). Her lyrics are awesome, and I could just listen to her all day. This song is about already falling “head over feet” in love with someone, before they can even do anything about it. That’s how it was with Josh and I.
4. Hurt by Johnny Cash. The song is originally by Nine Inch Nails, but the Johnny Cash version always gets me. The song is very sad, and since Cash recorded it after his wife, June, died, it always makes me think of how my pawpaw may have felt after Granny died. Cash has an amazingingly sad voice, too. It’s just a good song.
5. Dr. Strangeluv by Blonde Redhead. I just like them. I was in FYE one day, and sometimes, I tend to just look for an interesting album cover. Then I buy it. That’s what I did, and I ended up liking it. A lot. Blonde Redhead is different. They have several albums out; I only have a couple.
6. Hoppipolla by Sigur Rós. I love listening to them when I write. They’re inspirational. The lyrics are almost non-existent. It’s basically beautiful music. Sigur Rós is Icelandic, and I could listen to them all day. Josh thinks they “suck”; I think they’re phenomenal. No one song is greater, really. They’re all great. However, Takk is probably my favorite album of their’s.
7. Above Ground by Norah Jones. Norah, like Rachael Yamagata, has one of those smokey voices. I don’t listen to her often, but I should. She has good lyrics and the music isn’t bad at all.
8. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. Just listen to this girl. Her voice is amazing!
9. I Wasn’t Prepared by Eisley. I love them. It’s a band of brothers and sisters, and their voices and music is just. so. beautiful. This is a good song–sad sort of–but the lyrics are beautiful, nonetheless.
10. I’m a Broken Heart by The Bird and the Bee. They’re fun, usually. This song is a bit more sad. You must listen to it. The singer can hit some of the most beautiful notes.
And for easy listening (click below):
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