I’ve been in quite the thinking mood lately; I want to know where my life is going, but it’s hard when I’m somewhat stuck.

I feel slightly stressed because my school is trying to screw me over, and I’d really like to go to school this summer. I don’t want to have to pay $1600 that I know I don’t owe. However, I’m dreading the discussion I’ll have to have with them to get everything sorted out.

Not only that, but I’ve been thinking about the future. Children, mostly, and whether or not I even want to have them. It’s funny–growing up, I couldn’t imagine not having children, and now that it’s actually a possibility? I’m not sure it’s something I want. Even if it is something I want, I’m hoping to wait until I have a degree and a career sorted out. Plus, I’d like to do some travelling. Will I even be young enough to have a child when I’m finished with all of that?

I’m only twenty, and Josh is only twenty-two, so I know we have time. We’ve discussed  children before, but never seriously (and we definitely don’t want one anytime soon due to financial instability); and I just wonder if it’s even in the cards for us.

I always had this fear that I would never be able to have children. I decided that if I couldn’t, I’d adopt. Now, though, I don’t think I would. I think I would just move on and live my life without a child. Of course, as a woman, I’m sure I’d crave being a mother, which is what ultimately keeps the question in my head.

There are so many things I want to do in my life before I have to truly settle. I just have to ask myself, what will I regret more? Not having a child or having one?

It remains unanswered.