“We do not change as we get older; we just become more clearly ourselves.”*
I hope that is how I’m living. I hope that I’m becoming more clearly myself, rather than going down the path that isn’t wholly me. How can we tell? Is our life planned out for us, written in permanent marker? Or do we have the pencil, allowing us to draw/erase our own path? Are we genetically pre-determined, some higher being knowing just what we’ll become?
Thanksgiving was once my favorite holiday. It still is, in some ways, but it doesn’t have that same ring to it. It isn’t something I look forward to (anymore), nor is it something I dread. It just is. The last Thanksgiving I spent with my paternal grandparents (together) was in 2003. It’s been six years, and really, has it been that long? Has it taken me six years to come to a point where I can say, “I’m okay. I can breathe through it”? I’ve spent six years holding my breath through holidays, holding back tears. Even just last year, I wanted to crawl in a hole and let the holidays pass by me. What has changed? Have I become more wholly myself?
Granny and I always made the stuffing together. The last year she was alive, before she knew it would be her last Thanksgiving, she let me make the stuffing on my own, showing me that I could do it … That I was old enough, finally, to take something on without her. Little did I know that I would soon have to take on life without her … But I have been, and I will continue to do so. (Without her physically, at least.)
When she was diagnosed with lung cancer in May of 2004, I was already prepared. I knew it was coming one day. Afterall, she had smoked for decades. What I wasn’t prepared for was the day she wouldn’t beat it, just three months later. I don’t blame her, though. She didn’t just give up. She was ready, and her body was tired of fighting. She fought long enough to show me the true meaning of life–to love wholly and to live without regrets.
So, this Thanksgiving, I will enjoy it without regretting that my Granny (and Pawpaw, her husband) are no longer here. On my 21st birthday (in just less than a week), I will love wholly and be thankful for another year of life. If she were alive today, she’d pass me a beer; knowing I’m not a fan of beer, she’d say, “Try it, Meg … because you may not have a chance tomorrow.” So, in honor of her, I might tip one back, unwillingly, and with the blue sparkle in my eye that matches hers, I will continue to live without regrets–becoming more clearly myself.
*I’m unsure where this quote comes from. Ironically, it was in a spam comment on my blog.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Aw, this was a well written post. I love how our elders especially grandparents are the ones that have the best advice.
P.S. I like the quote!
Aww what a great post, I’m so sorry about your grandparents. I know when my Grandma passes away I will probably stop looking forward to the holidays as much.
I hope you have a good Thanksgiving, dear! XO
What a lovely post… I’m sure your Granny (and PawPaw) will be there in spirit!
I didn’t what to think or analyze that much today. Boo!
LOL JK. No, this was a beautiful post. I’m thankful to have you as a friend.
I’m glad that you’re going to seize the day on her behalf, you’ll have so much fun- and you don’t have to drink a whole beer, the trick is to get everyone else to order tasty drinks and you sample to find out what you like =)
Happy almost birthday!
What a beautiful post – and that has become one of my new favourite quotes! I had an interesting conversation on a similar topic with my fiance last week, and after years of inadvertent soul searching, I came to the conclusion that 2009 has been my year of finding out who I really am – and I’m looking forward to the next few years of “becoming more clearly myself”.
Loved this post, and I hope you have a wonderful birthday!
Thanks alot – your answer solved all my problems after several days strggluing
{ 1 trackback }