I haven’t figured it all out yet. I’m making progress, but I’m not there. I suppose I’m okay with that. I have to be, otherwise pessimism will creep up on me. Really, I’m not a fan of pessimism. Even if the world around me is falling apart, I try to remain optimistic.
It’s sad, really. I’m honestly completely over the idea of “death.” It still scares me sometimes, but when people die around me, I feel no emotion. I think I felt too much pain when Granny died in August of 2004, and then Pawpaw (her husband) died eight months later, unexpectedly. I honestly felt like my world/life was over at that point. I felt as if I could never be who I was before, when they were still breathing. That’s mostly true. I’m not the same. I was once so free and in love with reading and writing. Now, it seems I don’t allow myself to feel those great emotions again, which has caused my writing to fail. When someone dies, I sometimes start to feel the pain creeping back up, but then I almost literally shrug my shoulders and move on. I don’t want to go back to that place–the one I was at six years ago.
When they first passed away, I didn’t dream about them. I thought that maybe I would forget the way they sounded. I dreaded the moment I would forget how blue Granny’s eyes were or the way Pawpaw smelled. Those moments never really came. I told myself that the reason I didn’t dream of them was because they were visiting the dreams of others who needed it more than I did. It took years before I finally dreamed of them. (I hate that I can say “years,” knowing that they’ve been gone that long, rather than just months.) Now, I dream of them weekly, sometimes multiple times in a week. Last week, I had a dream that Granny wrapped me up in a tight hug, not letting me go, even though I had some place to be. I dream of seeing them in their house, as if nothing ever happened. I dream of loving them even more than I did then, knowing they could be taken from me in an instant.
Knowing that Husband will never meet two of the most amazing people in my life breaks my heart. Knowing that my future children will only know them through stories I tell them breaks my heart as well, and I fear I won’t be able to tell the stories well enough to do them justice.
Most of all, though, I fear the possibility that Heaven doesn’t exist, and thinking of never seeing them again breaks my heart in the worst possible way.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Losing loved ones is always hard. I lost my great grandparents, MiMi and PawPaw, not too long ago and for me it’s been hard as well. I never met my dad’s grandparents and so my mom’s were all I had. Losing them felt like someone had wrenched my heart out because they were honestly the sweetest people I’ve ever known.
I’d like to reassure you and tell you that time heals all wounds, but I’m not sure that’s entirely true. I still think of them and from time to time it makes me cry a little. But then I remember how the two of them were always smiling whenever they saw their “great grandbabies.”
I’m not particularly religious but I’ve always felt that no matter what we do, we are always reunited with loved ones in the end – whatever the end is. I also feel everyone I’ve lost watching over me each day. I believe in that much at least. That’s why I think that you’ll definitely see them both again one day.
I know you will see them again. There is a place far different from this physical realm, where everything is in harmony and all are one. We are all part of the Divine.
I’m definitely the same way – I’m afraid of death. I don’t know what to expect.. I want to believe there’s Heaven but sometimes I doubt myself and think there isn’t one.
I believe that we see them in our dreams and they’re there. I wish we could really grasp our dreams and remember it all because I’ve had dreams where I saw my grandpas again.
So let’s dream!