From the category archives:

Late Nights

A thing called Death.

by Megan on October 18, 2008

I often feel as if I have it all figured out. Of course, then something hits me right in the face, making me realize that I have yet to do so. This time it was a single thought: death. Autumn is a time of death, of dying. Leaves are dying, life is dying all around us. But it’s so beautiful. Then winter comes and snow (in most states) to make everything fresh and new. And life goes on. Well, the life that is still living.

I used to be terrified of death. I tried not to think about it often because, when I did, I could not stop myself from crying. As I got older, it wasn’t that I became less terrified of the inevitable; I just grew used to the fact that it would come regardless of my tears or not. And so it doesn’t make me cry as often. Still, though, the thought of death sneaks up in my mind, and I remember that it could happen at any single second, and that’s really the scary part. I assume I will welcome death with semi-open arms when I’m old–by then, I will have hopefully lived my life to the fullest with very few regrets. However, knowing that it could happen any time before that? Scares me to death.

Could this be why people, including myself, try to live their life out quickly? That way, if It does come early, they will have achieved everything they wanted. I know that once I die, I won’t even care–especially if there is a such thing as Heaven because then, I’ll be happier where I’m at. But the time until then? I care. I think about my future children, knowing that I will probably–hopefully–die before them. And they will go on, without me. That’s the part that scares me. And Josh. And my family–those I have spent my entire life with–will die before and after me. I hate thinking about it, but it’s a fact of life.

Will death be painful? Or will it be like slipping into a beautiful, peaceful slumber: under warm-cool sheets with only positive thoughts? Or will it feel like nothing at all? Is death a small piece of life? Or is the biggest piece of the puzzle? These questions will only be answered when the time comes–and even then, the living will never know.

{ 3 comments }

Are you there, God? No, really. Are you?

by Megan on October 15, 2008

Disclaimer: This post is just my opinion. I am not looking to offend anyone or their beliefs, religious or otherwise. If I do so, I apologize in advance; just know that it was not intentional.

I sometimes have trouble answering the question, “do you believe in God?” Well, yes. I do. Not in the Christian way, though. Let me back up.

I’ve always believed in God. One God–the Christian God. When I was younger, my parents never made me go to church, and I think that is why I tend to be more open-minded about religion. I chose to go to church. My family was/is Baptist, but I went to a Methodist church, not trying to focus on denominations but because I liked the people that went there. I don’t remember when I stopped going, but I did. I was young then, in elementary school. I didn’t go back to church (except on occasion) until I was in high school, while dating Ryan (the boy I dated before meeting Josh). He had a Christian upbringing, and since I was now living in the Bible Belt, I felt obligated to go to church. Honestly, a girl I went to school with asked me what church I went to (when she first met me), and I said, “I don’t go to church.” She was incredibly shocked by my answer, and I felt that my beliefs weren’t good enough. So, I started to go to church on Wednesday nights. Well, not really “church,” but a youth group called Planet. It was a truly comforting place, with couches all around and a band that played up front. I only went a few times while dating Ryan.

When I came back from Florida, and after Ryan stopped talking to me, I started going back to Planet (yes, he still went there, but we really didn’t talk after that). I went because I needed God/faith in my life. I had no idea who I was anymore. Planet was truly a life-changing experience for me, and I will never regret going. I even went to church on Sundays, but it wasn’t the same as Planet. Eventually, the youth pastor moved on, and after that, I stopped going. It just wasn’t the same, and everyone was growing up. Younger kids were now coming, and I felt I had outgrown the youth group. I went to church several times after that (on Sunday) but eventually, I stopped going altogether.

Josh and I were married in the church he grew up going to. So, you see, he also had a Christian upbringing. However, he is a much different person now. He has a hard time believing in anything (Allie, you may understand why after the comment I left you)–he even had a hard time believing in our love at one point in the past. As a wife, I support whatever he believes in. I remember when I went to Planet, a woman there knew how I felt about Josh. She knew that he didn’t have a Christian belief in God, and she asked, “Can you be in a relationship with someone when you know that you’ll be going to heaven and he’ll be going to hell?” I felt angry with her for even asking that, though I know that is just what she believes. I honestly had no way of answering her.

I’ve always had a difficult time believing in God. Yes, I do believe in a higher being. However, I don’t believe in the Christian God, I suppose. Christians have always, to me, personified God too much. They seem to give God human characteristics. That is okay, for that is their belief. In my case, though, I believe God is bigger than any human. I believe that “God” cannot walk beside me, for everything is God. The trees, the sky, the earth, my very own breath. I believe that everyone has their own personal god. Whether you pray to your god or dream to your god or write to your god…

Josh and I were discussing this today, and even then, I couldn’t get the words out right. I couldn’t describe it perfectly. It is no different here. I have faith. I still don’t know if I believe in the Christian heaven and hell. There are a lot of things I am unsure of. I just know that it is impossible to say God is not real–just like it is impossible to say God is real. We all have our beliefs. I don’t know how the earth was created–no one really knows aside from whoever or whatever created it. And that’s the cool/interesting thing about life. Nobody really knows. All we can do is believe.

…And remember to continue believing what you believe. Don’t let anyone’s opinion change it.

{ 5 comments }

Life lesson, learned.

by Megan on September 25, 2008

Disclaimer: This post is sort of all-over-the-place, but I’m tired. I’m running on low energy.

I like my job. Most of the time. Honestly, it’s not that bad–I get most of my reading done while at work. However, I usually work third shift. That’s not the bad part, really. The bad part is that sometimes I work second shift too, so my sleeping schedule gets pretty screwed up.

The other day after work, I came home around 7:30 in the morning, and I didn’t go to bed until around one that afternoon, sleeping until nine that night. I didn’t have to work that night, but I ended up staying awake all night, anyway. Around four in the morning, I attempted sleep because I had to work at three in the afternoon that day. Well, sleep never came. Josh got home from work after seven (he works third shift too), and I attempted sleep again around ten. Again, no sleep. That was Tuesday (though it feels like so long ago). So, I went to work at three, not getting home until sometime after 11:30. (Are all of these times confusing you yet?)

I still didn’t sleep. I stayed up all night/morning to prepare myself for now (working third shift again). That brings us to yesterday. I finally went to bed around nine yesterday morning, after about thirty-six hours of no sleep (I know it’s not that bad, people do it all the time), sleeping for eight hours.

And now here I am. At work. At 3:30 in the morning, eating soup. Exhausted. And I work again tonight (third shift). I figured that after sleeping eight hours, I’d be okay but, well, is it possible for your bones to ache? Because mine do.

This is why I want to go back to school. Not because it will help me now, but because in the future, I’ll be able to work a normal job with normal hours. I’m disappointed with myself for taking this semester off. I’m still considered a “freshman,” so I have a way to go, unfortunately. I am so ready to go back, though. I actually miss school; I miss doing homework. Odd, I know, but true.

I was a decent student in high school, and I even made great grades my first semester in college. But second semester, I got tired of it all and ended up losing my scholarship. Now, I can’t earn it back until I have another good semester in school, but I can’t have another good semester until I can afford to go back. I’m hoping to go back in the spring, but it looks like I may have to wait until next fall.

I want a career, not a job. I want to make a decent living. I want to be able to (help) support my future family. And I wouldn’t mind wearing nice clothes to work, either. Maybe heels. I like heels.

But I have to go to school first… So that’s what I’m aiming for. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later.

{ 6 comments }

Election ’08

by Megan on September 18, 2008

I’m going to take a break from wedding recaps to discuss something else. Politics. Sort of.

I’m not even twenty yet, so this is the first election that I’ll be able to vote–and it’s a big election at that! On my eighteenth birthday, I gladly registered to vote. However, I know very little about politics. I know that, being a young woman, I should probably be more concerned about the issues in my country, but politics have never been a priority of mine. I have yet to change my voter’s registration info to my new last name because I don’t know if I want to vote. I know I should, and I do want to; but I don’t want to just vote for someone because of reasons that don’t matter.

If I had to vote today, I’d vote for Obama. I have nothing against McCain (though I’m not sure yet if I like Palin or not; however, I don’t know if I like Biden or not yet either), but I feel that I lean more toward a liberal view on things. I think a lot of young people do (maybe not so much where I live, though–right in the middle of the Bible belt [not that there's anything wrong with that]… you know where the Scopes Monkey Trial took place? Yeah, I live reallllly close to there). There is just something about Obama that I like. He’s very intelligent, and his wife is truly lovely. However, those aren’t good enough reasons to base my decision on.

I know that I need to educate myself on the issues at hand. Facts and opinions. So, I’m asking you, my readers. I know a lot of people don’t like to discuss who they are planning to vote for, so if you don’t want to answer my questions, that’s quite alright; I respect your choice to keep your candidate private. To those of you who don’t mind discussing: who do you plan to vote for and why? Are any of you as lost as I am?I’m not looking for any sort of debate here. I truly want to hear both sides (or a completely different side, even).

P.S. I work third shift (usually) at my job, so I sometimes watch Fox News late at night–chalk full of politics. I think the person who hacked into Sarah Palin’s private email is completely idiotic. The fact that they published it on a website? That’s just plain wrong.